My Microchip Marriage

Qualified Entry: Non-Fiction Category

By: Connie Berridge

Recently I read an article in a Dog Magazine regarding puppies and older dogs that stray. Their curious sense of the unknown is blamed in most cases by the puppy breeds. The older dogs may have other reasons to explore the unknown – a curiosity for untold horizons, a down-the-street pooch that interests them, or other reasons they find perfectly okay. It’s not that they mean to stray, just that they are a curious breed always searching for unknown adventures.

At last the medical industry, along with the SPCA and Humane Society has found a solution to the problem. Previously it was discovered to insert a micro-chip under their coat of fur which can be accessed and identify the beloved pet that is lost or strays. This solution as been very popular but is not always used by pet owners. They need to have the chips put into their beloved furry family member to insure identification in case of disasters like hurricanes, tornadoes, or other natural disasters that usually separate pet from owner.

Breed owners that enter their pets in National and International Contests are especially aware of the consequences a lost pet can involve. These dogs are expensive and worth several thousands. They are usually so well trained they will not stray on their own. However, unforeseen circumstances like mentioned above can cause these valuable pets to be separated from their beloved owners.

The Microchip is priced at the time of placement on the dog, and a monthly monitoring charge is involved. Needless to say, this can be an expensive procedure if breed owners own many dogs.

I have always had pets, at least for many years. St first I had a cat, then I had a dog. I am now the proud owner of my fifth dog I purchased from the Rescue lady at the SPCA. Teeny, my best friend, is a five pound poodle and the best behaved dog I ever had. I could tell he had been to obedience school, and I think he was used for breeding because he has never been neutered.

I was canvassing the SPCA every weekend trying to find a replacement for my small beloved Maltese Cola who had just died at age seventeen. Cola’s brother Pepsi had lived to fourteen years and passed away some years before.

One day the Rescue Lady came into the SPCA while I was there. She was carrying a small teacup poodle, three and a quarter pounds, shaking like a leaf!

His owner had died and he was confused and frightened. He apparently was found after a time because he was starving. The family of the deceased found him, frightened, starved, matted and crying, lying next to his owner. They had shaved him with a straight razor to eliminate the matting and he had cuts all over him. My heart went out to this little ball of fur.

The SPCA attendant spoke up saying “We’ll just have him euthanized.”

I piped up “Why? What’s wrong with him?”

“Nothing,” the girl said, “but he’s thirteen years old and nobody wants an old dog.”

“I’ll take him!” I spoke up, and proceeded to adopt him.

Teeny was scared for about a month, not knowing what had happened to him. With a lot of TLC he came around, and we became close friends. We kind of rescued one another because I was sad losing my last pet and he was sad losing his owner. He is now a happy pooch, devoted to me. Smoochy wet kisses are his special tokens of love.

When I read the article about the micro-chips I was impressed and decided to purchase one for Teeny, now seventeen and a half years old!

I got to thinking…with all the new technology I could use a micro-chip for other inventive reasons. Since the chips are used in Alzheimer’s patients in case they wander, why not wandering husbands? Voila! An answer to wives and girlfriends all over the world!

I also thought…if I put it in his shoes I would have to put one in each pair of shoes. Naturally I could not insert one in his butt because he would have to know then! Decisions, decisions! I finally decided I would save up for a mass insertion in all his shoes. I could sleep easier each night knowing where he was.

When I had finally saved the money for the eight pairs of sneakers, loafers, and dress shoes, I took them, one pair at a time so they would not be missed, got the microchips installed and arranged for monitoring.

Completely smug and feeling superior, I relaxed into a confident state. Then came the bombshell!

My dear husband announced one day he had found a superior sneaker sports shoe, and the manufacturer also made casual loafers and dress shoes that are guaranteed to improve foot comfort at the same time with giving excellent support to feet.

Hell’s Bells! Here I go again, saving up for another batch of micro-chip shoe inserts! Was he worth the expense? Well, I weighed that option and decided if it calms my nerves and answers my questions about where these shoes go then I will not only be happier, but healthier too as a worry-free wife. That is IF he stays true to me!

Unfortunately my generous husband donated all his old shoes (microchip inserted) to a charity. Hmmm! They never knew the priceless treasure they would get in those shoes! Of course the monitoring stopped with the giveaway – transferred to the new shoes.

The day finally came and when the shoes told me my hubby was at a hotel in town. I was filled with rage! What would be my answer? Take one of his hunting shotguns and shoot him? Take a carving knife and do a Lorena Bobich? Silently I acted like a saint – devastated but silent.

I decided to go to the hotel and see for myself what was going on. An orgy? A love tryst? My blood boiled as I imagined all evil acts and decided divorce was no option. I needed to make this man miserable for the rest of his days! “Aha!” I shouted “Vengeance is mine!”

I arrived at the hotel and was greeted by a large sign which read “Business Seminar – Ballroom Three, 6-8 pm” and my husband’s firm name. I peeked in the back door and located him sitting on the dais.

Had I forgotten him telling me of this meeting? I searched my memory. No, I did not know about the meeting. I skulked back home, embarrassed and puzzled.

When I arrived home I noticed my telephone message light was lit. I pressed the button and heard “Honey, management has called a meeting tonight at the Ramada Inn and I need to go. Don’t wait supper for me. I should be home by nine or ten.” The message must have crossed with my driving to the hotel and I was embarrassed – feeling like a fool – but relieved I was wrong!

I fed the kids – my teenage monsters – and poured myself a generous serving of wine. After they went up to their room for computer homework (more likely computer games) I waited for my micro-chip husband to come home.

Curiously, my husband’s name was Chuck but his nickname was “Chip.” How ironic this seemed to me as I smiled, thoroughly amused.. I reflected on some other ways to keep track of a suspected cheater. Here’s a few suggestions I thought I could pass on to wives:

1. Shower him with sex. Make it memorable. Coat yourself with whipped cream or chocolate and ask him to lick it off!

2. Tell your attractive girlfriends and his attractive female co-workers he has HIV and you are just staying with him, sans sex, for the children. They will think you a saint and back off his attention!

3. Go on a weekend vacation sans kids. Don’t take any clothes. Take a cooler full of champagne and oysters!

4. Take a shower with him – fully dressed. Undress each other in the shower.

5. Throw out the lounge chair he always falls asleep in after dinner.

You must decide ladies – is it better to submit or outwit?

Sophie Tucker said “From birth to age 18 a woman good parents, 19 to 35 she needs good looks, 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs plenty of CASH! So pay attention to these suggestions that may save you from an old age of loneliness!

Let’s face it ladies – we need all the help we can get. You don’t have to jog to feel heavy breathing!

Try my suggestions and if they don’t work . . . Shoot the idiot cheater!